Into the wind

It has been blowing a gale today - again. It feels as if this wind has never stopped since the New Year. I took Mick for his usual walk down to the pier, this afternoon, and it was all I could do to push myself through the force field of the oncoming wind. The way home was much quicker, though.

There have been other storms in our lives this week too - battling against this wind of cancer. John had some new pain and weakness, and a CT scan hinted at something suspicious a bit higher up from where the spinal tumour was operated on. He was flown over to the mainland for an MRI scan which showed some new metastases in a couple of other spots in the bones of his spine. It is being treated with more radiotherapy, and we hope to have him back next week.

James and I have stayed home this time. We couldn't go on the helicopter, and the gales mean that the ferries are not running. John said he wanted me to have a rest, and to keep things running as normally as possible at home for James, who has had a lot of disruption over the last year. It wasn't an easy decision; we guessed he was likely to be told it was a progression of the disease, but probably on balance, it was the best call.
 The last week or so has been quite a difficult time, as his pain and anxiety increased. We have had some hard conversations - those important ones that you never imagine having to have. We are just beginning to work out the steps of this new dance,  although there are some sudden changes in tempo that catch us out often. A friend, whose husband also has cancer, said to me today that, although each new setback feels so devastating,  we somehow learn to accommodate that new situation and move forward. It's true. We keep on keeping on - what else would we do?
So - this week,  I have been waiting at home, staying busy with the everyday - feeding the hens,

planting seeds, 

cooking nourishing food,

casting on a new project with a giant ball of wool,

lighting the fire, watching tv and eating ice cream - just keeping time.

and at least I know he's been well looked after today. xx