Hello...

Hello.
I knew at the beginning of the year that I wanted to let go of the blog. I am in a different place now and I need the space to work through a great many things. I intend to keep the archives up for a time, although I have removed the comment function.
If you have landed here - welcome and feel free to dip in to what was our life - once upon a time...
J xxx

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Fuzzy ramblings




Thank you all for your loving and supportive comments on my last post - both here and in other places. I was deeply touched, and felt so held by your kindness. The news is positive - he has multiple fractures to the back and pelvis, but once these have healed, then he will eventually walk out. We are so thankful.

He remembers the scene inside the tank - his hat being blown off, being aware that three of his friends were dead, seeing another colleague struggling as her body armour constricted her airway, and getting up to help - thinking that his back was sore. We are so proud of him.


I wrote last time of how "real" this story was - and it is - it's happening to us right now. And your comments so eloquently expressed that feeling of connectedness. But since then, I suppose have been in a bit of a bubble. I have no idea how many more people have died as a result of conflict - how many more families have had their lives put on hold because of the loss or wounding of a loved one - how many more young people are now facing a life with debilitating injuries, mental health trauma or issues we will never know about. They do not become part of my reality. I see newsbites on TV - read a few columns in a newspaper, or notice it "trending" online. I feel sadness and distress for those involved, but then we are moved on to the next story.  It has to be that way, because we could not bear such sorrow...



We would be so overcome with grief and anger that we would all  rise up in a fury and demand an end to it - make it end! We would be outraged every time we heard of our brothers and sisters killed or injured somewhere in the world. Grief-stricken every time we heard our children being described as "collateral damage". Beside ourselves with anger and sadness whenever our mothers and fathers were forced to flee their homes with only the clothes on their backs - and sometimes a bullet there too. Wouldn't we?


So -can love save the world? Maybe - but right now I think we need more than that. We need real, righteous, loving anger, and I am angry!  Angry about all these wars and my greed that causes them. I am angry at the loss of so many wild and precious lives*, just because they happen to be lived in the wrong place. I am angry that our very home is being lost to us all. How did I let that happen on my watch? I am angry that I am killing other creatures with my waste and sloth. I am angry because for years I have allowed myself to just move on to the next story


I am angry -  and I suppose that is better than just being sad. 

But - even writing this, I am overwhelmed at the magnitude of it all. The sheer size of the problems that I have helped create. What possible solutions are there? How can I make a difference to any of this? Sure, I can "like" a few posts on facebook, or retweet a couple of links. I can read blog posts and books, watch videos and nod my head until it falls off. 

Already I feel myself slipping from anger to despair. 
And that is how it works. 
That is why we are in this mess.
And because it isn't directly affecting my reality right now
I can allow myself the luxury of despondency



I have no idea where I am going with this - it is all still too fuzzy. All I can do for now is to put it out there  - 
to pray to hope, to love
and to try and stay angry.


* “Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?” 
Mary Oliver

35 comments:

  1. I had missed your last post..how awful the news! I'm glad to hear that your nephew is recovering, but yes, it seems so overwhelming doesn't it?! I try not to read the news, but last week I'd been looking everyday - my anxiety levels increased hugely. I have stopped reading again, but some of those stories still swirl in my head in the dark hours of the night.

    I don't have any answers unfortunately, but I hold your hand while, I too, struggle with the enormity of the consequences of 'humanity'.

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  2. I too missed your last post. I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. Your writing resonates deeply with me and I want to respond in some meaningful way but the words just don't seem to be there. It's all so huge, this mess we have made and keep on making.

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    1. I know, Joanna - words are so inadequate. Thank you xxx

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  3. Jacqui, I too have just read your post before this one. Like you, I often feel overwhelmed with all the things that are wrong with this world, with my own complicity in it, with feelings of powerlessness. And as you know, at the moment my own world has shrunk to caring for my daughter and praying for her healing with just about every breath. It can seem sometimes like nearly everything is wrong! However, I do really believe, also with every breath, that no act of kindness is ever wasted, and in the "butterfly effect," i.e. that every act of love for one another and for our earth can make even more of a difference than we might imagine.

    Take care of yourself. You already knew how precious life is before this happened, so give yourself time to get your balance back.

    Thanks for your wonderful blog. x

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    1. Thank you Christine - and you do know about regaining balance, and are doing so beautifully. xxx

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  4. thank goodness he is alive, why oh why do these things have to happen, I thought about your post about him for days and days, we hear of these things happening but when you posted of family being involved it became so close, so real, my safe little life here in Northern Canada seems not quite so safe when my world became wider due o blogging, I will be the first to admit I live in my own little world and i am guilty of refusing to read sad stories , watch the news, to save myself the pain but that is such guttless way to live, it shows little respect for the brave men and women out there risking their lives, your post helped me to see this, thank you for that, I am so sorry for the lives lost , I am so glad that your family member was spared,

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    1. Oh Thank you so much for these words, Laurie. I go between ignoring the news, because i dont want to disturb my safe world, and yet feeling guilty, because not reading it doesn't make it not happen. xxx

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  5. From my heart I know that you need to "down size" a while and do the great thing you do .. love the ones you have and know and pray for those you don't. All the blogs I read remind me that I need less to be more
    (humankind). Your blog touches my heart and soul and for that I thank you. If you can turn your anger in to positive action (cliché I know) then it will do good. But by sharing this you and reminding all of us how real this world is and one by one we stop and think, feel anger and change to do something better. Hope this makes sense!! Take good care of your self.

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    1. Thank you for that Sara - what a lovely thing to say. I hope I can act on this and if even one person feels able to do one thing, then it is more thant I could hope for. xx

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  6. Tears are in my eyes and I am thankful that you still have your nephew. He will have a long road to recovery, but at least he will travel that path with a supportive family, You wrote an amazing post and one that makes us all think twice about the articles we read. Having just lost my brother at a young age to cancer, I am sensitive to the emotions you are feeling. His injuries sound devastating, but I am thankful that you were spared the alternative.

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    1. Oh I am so sorry that you lost your brother in such a way. And thank you so much for your words here. xxx

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  7. Eloquently said! Thank you.

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  8. Holding that line from anger to despair to despondency to giving up to being unable to give up because it matters too much ... been grappling with that for a few years now and still not very much wiser :-) All I know is that if we give up, we give up on the planet, so I continue to totter along that line. The trick I suspect is not to hold so much anger so that you hurt yourself, but not so little that you let it all slip onto the back burner. And then pick up a thread, any thread, and start to weave ... Much love xx

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    1. weaving away Sharon - thank you. You always know just the right thing to say at the right time xx

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  9. I'm sorry I missed your previous post, and I'm sorry for the news it contained. I feel the same anger and confusion, often. Small positive acts, one after another, constantly... what more can we do? Wishing you peace, and hope.

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    1. I know, Jane - although the thought of everyone rising up in fury is very appealing xxx

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  10. I'm so sorry, I also missed your previous post...sometimes my blog reader thingy doesn't update as it should. I can never make sense of things either, and feel the hugeness of the impact I've made on our planet too, sometimes it feels overwhelming that I can't change the things I want to. How I wish everyone could be spared the tragic and sad things we all have to face. As you and others have said, all we can do is keep loving, just keep on loving. xxx

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    1. Thanks for the love, Tina I appreciate your thoughts xxx

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  11. Your words say it perfectly. Prayers and hugs. I am so sad and cannot imagine what your family is going through.. B

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    1. I so value your prayers, Buttons - they have made a difference. Thank you xxx

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  12. Thank you for sharing in the last two posts such intimate pain/sorrow/struggle. May your loved one's healing journey be swift and complete, body, mind and spirit.

    I have no answers, but for a truth I have lived to walk...sadly: After the death of a 21yr old family member, slowly absorbing the stark heaviness of the loss and tragedy, a friend remarked that the greatest tragedy is that after enough time everyone would go back to living life as they always had, that as humans we are entrenched in our habits, our comforts, our ways.
    When and What will it take for real change? I wish I knew. The friend was right, we bear the scar but on the outside not much looks different. We are a strange lot, we humans.
    Respectfully, with love,
    Merlin

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    1. merlin - I am so sorry about your loss. An you and your friend are right - we absorb whatever life throws at us, but maybe sometimes some of it leaks back out. Love and blessings to you xxx

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  13. So well put. I hope you don't mind that I share it with my Faroese readers.

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    1. No problem Dorit - loved the video you put it with xxx

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  14. So pleased that the outlook is good for your nephew.
    Thank you for expressing so eloquently the thoughts that go through my mind. it is hard to maintain anger when it needs to be spread so broadly and despair is so close.
    God bless you and yours xxxx

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    1. Oh yes - Beacee - so much to be angry about, but where to start. One step...
      Thank you xxx

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  15. sending hugs dear jacqui. i don't have any answers to this either. love the poem by mary oliver, a very favorite poet of mine too.

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    1. Thank you Lori - I have been stuck for words too many times lately. Thankfully, we have poets like Mary Oliver who know what to say xxx

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  16. Thanks so much for this post. I so often feel hopeless over the loss of life and the degradation of our world, right before our eyes. I was so impressed with the poem, I had to put it up with some pictures of my daughter. Sometimes we need to look to the young for hope and joy in the midst of such sadness.
    http://missyvanee.blogspot.com/2013/05/your-one-wild-and-precious-life.html

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    1. I saw it, Missy - she is adorable and the whole poem sits right with your images. xx

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  17. I think mothers should run the world. Oh how different everything would be. You are absolutely right-it makes me think of the saying "If you're not outraged, then you're not paying attention". The social and economic effects of these wars is doing more harm than what they are trying to prevent.

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    1. Lol - I saw a cartoon the other day - If women ruled the world there would be no wars - just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other! it made me laugh at the time, but we need to talk - and talk and talk and talk about this. xx

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  18. Anger is good. I think if more people were angry instead of so apathetic some things would change. You do what you need to and get through.

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