In the month of May

My beloved John slipped away last night. Such a peaceful and gentle passing, surrounded by loving family. Our hearts are broken. 

Further along

I almost missed the azalea's short lived blooms, tucked away in the far corner of the garden. My energies have been directed elsewhere - making sure I don't miss a moment of the remaining time we have as a couple - as a family. 

John's condition has deteriorated very quickly over the last couple of weeks. I was managing on my own, then with the help of the District Nurse team and our GP, but as we went along it became clear that he needed full time care. He was admitted to hospital on Friday, where they have been working to get on top of his acute symptoms. We have just been spending time with him, holding his hand, reading out loud and chatting, catching a bit of crochet in the gaps. My step-daughter is here, taking some of the burden, helping with James, folding laundry (much more nearly than I do) and spending precious moments  with her Dad. 

It was good for me to share some time in between hospital visits, with James on his own, snuggling on the sofa, eating ice cream (raspberry magnums) and watching rubbish telly. He is doing ok, he knows where this is going.

And we move on, through these cycles of hope and despair, somehow adapting to each new phase, finding whatever grains of normality we can and holding on - yes, just really holding on.

Tomorrow, John is moving to our local Hospice. Another stage, another leap into uncharted waters.  We don't know for how long, or if he will be well enough to come home at any point - but here we are. He is at peace with this decision and I know we will all be cared for. 

I cannot begin to say how much strength I have gained from the kindness of others; from friends in the community, family, our church family and the genuine and loving comments online.  It helps - it really does. Thank you.  xx

This Moment

Sharing a moment that I want to remember. No words, just a single special image. Joining in with Soulemama for This Moment. Wishing you all a precious  weekend. xx

Weekending

It was a nice weekend, quiet and relaxed. One gorgeous warm day, one almost wintry, James busied himself making the perfect axe, I pottered around in the garden, admiring the tulips that I had forgotten I planted. I sat with John and caught up with some knitting and discussed politics- such a fascinating  time ahead. We had one or two visitors pop in, including friends with their brand new puppy. He was such a cute bundle, but I forgot to take a photo- sorry. And then a glorious sunset to end with. With another frenetic week ahead, it's nice to stop and appreciate those moments of calm. xxx

In other news...

 

There has been the most amazing result in the Grneral Election. The Scottish National Party took 56 of the 59 Scottish seats. After the disappointment of the Referendum result, this is an incredible outcome. Although it is - and can never be enough to form a government It means there will be a strong voice for Scotland in Westminster, and also for those in the UK who woke up on Friday feeling very upset and disenfranchised at the thought of five more years of austerity cuts. These 56 fine men and women will not be afraid to speak out against the unjust policies planned by the Tories. It's going to be an interesting time. 

Where we are now

Hello - it's been a while. I've been pretty busy,getting on with bits and pieces, lots of family visitors have been with us, and more plan to be here in the coming months. Broadband signal has not been great on the island for some reason either, so there hasn't been the same incentive to haul out the laptop. John has had a couple of more spells in hospital since I last posted, and hasn't been doing as well as we hoped. A new round of chemotherapy has been delayed,until his blood results improve, and his mobility has decreased. It is a strange place to be, this, but it is where we are. I guess life has contracted right down to the basics, and we are living in a bit of a bubble right now. A very blessed bubble, mind you, as we draw together and try to work our way through this.
Love to all xxx