Further along

I almost missed the azalea's short lived blooms, tucked away in the far corner of the garden. My energies have been directed elsewhere - making sure I don't miss a moment of the remaining time we have as a couple - as a family. 

John's condition has deteriorated very quickly over the last couple of weeks. I was managing on my own, then with the help of the District Nurse team and our GP, but as we went along it became clear that he needed full time care. He was admitted to hospital on Friday, where they have been working to get on top of his acute symptoms. We have just been spending time with him, holding his hand, reading out loud and chatting, catching a bit of crochet in the gaps. My step-daughter is here, taking some of the burden, helping with James, folding laundry (much more nearly than I do) and spending precious moments  with her Dad. 

It was good for me to share some time in between hospital visits, with James on his own, snuggling on the sofa, eating ice cream (raspberry magnums) and watching rubbish telly. He is doing ok, he knows where this is going.

And we move on, through these cycles of hope and despair, somehow adapting to each new phase, finding whatever grains of normality we can and holding on - yes, just really holding on.

Tomorrow, John is moving to our local Hospice. Another stage, another leap into uncharted waters.  We don't know for how long, or if he will be well enough to come home at any point - but here we are. He is at peace with this decision and I know we will all be cared for. 

I cannot begin to say how much strength I have gained from the kindness of others; from friends in the community, family, our church family and the genuine and loving comments online.  It helps - it really does. Thank you.  xx